symmetrical
by DevotedSoul
Summary: Sometimes being able to read between the lines, isn't always a good thing as Duffy recently found out. Alicia/Duffy friendship, slightly au based on the spring trailer. Some scenes contain mentions of rape. [Written before the storyline commenced.]
1. chapter one

_Posted on Tumblr under ineffabledoll._

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She's been curled up in the same spot on the sofa in the staff room for the past two hours. Her knees tucked under her chin, her hands tightly grasping the red mug in her hands. She doesn't even know why she came to work. She wasn't working. She wasn't working for the next two days. There was just something oddly comforting about the Emergency Department when she was in distress. After all, she couldn't go home. Home was where it happened.

Duffy's working a night shift. She doesn't mind doing the occasional nights, least she gets a bit of a peace from listening to Charlie snoring (although truth be told, she does miss him greatly in the morning!) She walks into the staff room and is surprised to find Alicia there; the young woman wasn't due at work. She glanced at the clock, just gone four am and she's got another three hours before home. Duffy switches on the kettle.

"Alicia?"

She calls trying to gain the young woman's attention. There's no response. As Duffy steps towards her to break her from her trance, she's all too aware of the glazed, distant look in Alicia's eyes.

She sits down on the sofa beside Alicia and for a minute or so, doesn't do anything. Then she gently places a hand on Alicia's arm. Alicia jumps out of her skin, throws the mug in shock and stares at Duffy, her breathing somewhat erratic and heavy. Duffy frowns, the reaction slightly over the top and she apologises;

"Sorry. Are you okay?"

Alicia nods, moves her gaze away from Duffy and stands up placing some distance between the two of them. She crouches down to retrieve the broken pieces of mug and answers; "you just startled me, that's all."

Duffy watches her, her head tilted, trying to gage what was wrong. Instead she stands up and asks; "Tea or coffee?"

"Coffee please."

Duffy makes two cups of coffee and carried both mugs over to Alicia. She places them on the table and gestures towards the sofa again, "may I?"

"Sure."

Alicia picks up the mug and repositioned herself on the sofa, her knees under her chin again. She feels sick. Her mind can't stop replaying what happened. She's been in the shower for hours, scrubbing her skin raw. The red blotches on her skin haven't gone unnoticed by Duffy. She just isn't sure how to broach the situation. Especially it's what she thinks it is.

"You're not okay, are you?"

It doesn't take a genius to work out. Duffy's great at reading between the lines, it's what makes her a very good nurse. Alicia sighs. If she says anything it means acknowledging. It means saying it out loud and she doesn't want too. Not yet. Not ever. It wasn't rape. She never said no. She never said yes either, but she never said no so it wasn't rape, right?

"What's happened?"

Alicia shakes her head, "nothing, nothing's happened."

Duffy sighs. Pretending nothing happened was the minds greatest protector but it didn't help, not really. Just stopped you from being able to heal and move on eventually. There's a comfortable silence between the two of them before Duffy decides to come out with it. After all, if she doesn't, she'll only spend the remainder of the shift worrying. (Not that she won't stop worrying)

"Has something happened to you?"

Alicia closes her eyes tightly. The nausea in her throat. She thinks she's going to throw up and darts from the sofa, leaving the mug on the table. Duffy closes her own eyes momentarily before following her to the bathroom. As she steps into the ladies' toilet, she can hear Alicia throwing up in the nearest toilet. She knocks on the toilet door and Alicia leans back against the wall, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"I'm okay." She whispers. As okay when she can be when she doesn't think her life will ever be the same again.

Duffy sighs. It's clear from her behaviour that she's far from fine. There's a pause. Not as comfortable as one would expect a silence to be but not uncomfortable enough to unsettle them both. Alicia just wants all this to go away. To go back six hours. To go back to when she was her. Alicia. Alicia the doctor, the one in control. Not the person she is now. A victim. She doesn't want to be a victim.

She retches violently, and Duffy closes her eyes wishing there was something she could do to help. After what feels like an eternity, Alicia flushes the chain and exits the cubicle, walking to the sinks, all too aware of Duffy watching her closely, ready to bombard her with questions again.

She doesn't want to talk. She's tired, just wants to sleep but every time she closes her eyes, she feels his lips on her skin. She closes her eyes tightly, praying she doesn't start to cry. She reopens her eyes to stare at the hot tap, turning it on and scrubbing her hands. What does she have to do to stop feeling him?

Duffy watches Alicia for a couple of seconds, watches how she repeatedly washes her hands. Gently she steps towards the sinks.

"Alicia, what's happened?" She tries the question again, tries to get her to open up and talk and it doesn't work. Alicia loses her temper big style and shoves Duffy into the wall.

"Nothing! Nothing happened now piss off and leave me alone!"

Duffy closes her eyes as her back collided with the wall (that'll be one hell of a bruise to try and explain!) She is even more certain that something has happened because the outburst was so unlike Alicia.

"Alicia, talk to me?"

Why doesn't she just get the hint she doesn't want to talk? Alicia slowly turns around, her gaze meeting with Duffy's. The tears filling in her eyes, ready to fall. Alicia shakes her head, "I…. I can't."

Duffy nods slowly and steps towards her. Reassuring her that she can do this. She can talk. She can say out loud what happened. Alicia can't hold it in any longer. The tiredness, the hurt, the anger. She bursts into floods of tears. Duffy pulls the younger woman into a hug before Alicia falls to the floor, taking Duffy down with her. She doesn't say anything, and Duffy doesn't prompt her too. Alicia's sobbing into her side as she holds her tightly, trying to gently sooth the younger woman.

"I'm sorry, it's just been a long day." She smiles sadly.

Ten minutes later, they leave the toilets like nothing has happened. Alicia's still adamant that nothing happened but she does apologise for losing her temper and pushing Duffy into the wall. Although Duffy accepts the apology, she knows there's something Alicia's holding back from her. She knows something happened.

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 **a/n** : if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	2. chapter two

chapter two, strong language.

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Duffy's been quiet since she stepped into the house from work earlier that morning. She's sat at the kitchen table, hands cupped around a mug, thinking. Since she found Alicia in that state, she's been overthinking, her mind running wild with all sorts of possibilities that could've happened. She draws the conclusion at one particular.

Being startled, the throwing up, the bruises on her wrist, the blotches of redness on her skin. Duffy closes her eyes as she's taken back to her own trauma all those years before. Well over thirty years ago and yet she could still remember it as clear as yesterday. How rough he'd been, how he'd bruised her, torn her. How as soon as she'd been able too, she sat in the bath (although it stung like hell) and scrubbed her skin until she was positive all traces of him had gone.

She swallows the nausea and reopens her eyes, only to catch Charlie's eye. He's been stood at the doorway of the kitchen the last five minutes watching her. He knows there's something wrong. He can read her like a book (even when she protests she's fine!)

"Are you okay?"

"Uh huh," she nods and sips her tea, pulling a face when she realises the liquid has gone cold. She wonders how long she's been sat there thinking. Charlie sighs, steps towards her and rests his hands on her shoulders.

"Are you sure?"

She doesn't answer for a while. What if she was just assuming the worst? What if it wasn't what she was thinking? She exhales.

"I… I think something's happened to Alicia." She admits as Charlie frowns and sits down beside her.

"What do you mean?"

She explains the current situation. How she found Alicia in the staff room at four am. How startled she'd been when she touched her. The bruises on the inside of the wrists, the blotches of redness on her skin. Then the throwing up in the bathroom along with outburst.

"I don't know what to do Charlie."

He knows she hates not knowing what to do and if he's honest, he can't help things because he doesn't know how best to deal with the situation either. She rubs her forehead, a headache coming on through the stress and too much thinking. There's a silence between them before Charlie kisses her cheek; "you look exhausted, you should go and sleep."

Duffy laughs slightly, "thanks for saying I look like rubbish."

"I said you looked exhausted, I didn't say you weren't beautiful."

Duffy smiles, her cheeks turning a little shade of pink. "Charlie?"

"Hm?"

She asks shyly, "will you hold me until I fall asleep?"

"If I must," he teases but nods and tells her he'll be up in five. She heads upstairs to the bedroom, getting undressed and into bed. Her back has bruised. Then again she didn't expect anything less, her skin was like a peach, it was forever bruising easily. Not good in their kind of job.

She stares at the ceiling wondering if she'll even get a hint of sleep without either worrying about Alicia, attempting to add 2 and 2 together and arrive at 4 or relieving her own trauma through a nightmare. Charlie, true to his word, five minutes later gets into bed beside her. Duffy smiles as she rolls onto her side, kisses him tenderly and rests her head and her hand on his chest. The familiar comfort of her husband settles her over anxious mind and within minutes, she was asleep.

XXXXXX

Alicia's been at home for three hours. She went home after her breakdown in the toilets at work, ashamed to even face Duffy. She probably thought she was a right silly cow. She's not left the living room since she's arrived home. She's sat in the corner of the room, her back against the wall, knees under her chin again. Her eyes are fixated on the door. That way she knows whose entering the room and who isn't. Not that she was expecting anyone but you could never be to sure. She closed her eyes.

 _{Flashback_ } _She was sat at the bar, a vodka and lemonade in her hand. She'd had a terrible day at work and while she used to be able to blog to release the tension, now she just had to drink it away. She orders a tequila shot, necks it back in one and sips her drink. She catches the eye of a guy from across the bar. Tall, brown haired, fit looking. She smiled and that's all it took for him to come over. Another drink….. {flashback ends}_

She swallows hard as she stands up to run to the bathroom. Once again she empties the contents of her stomach into the toilet, only there's nothing in her stomach so it's nothing but bile. Which makes it worse and causes her stomach to hurt.

All this was her own fault for been so naïve. If only she considered the consequences of her actions, Alicia wouldn't be in the situation she was currently in. It was another reason she couldn't tell anyone. The shame. The shame. The shame for being so naïve, of being a dirty whore whose intentions were to have a one night stand that night. She closes her eyes as she retches again. Fuck, she just wants all this to go away.

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Thank you for the reviews x


	3. chapter three

_feedback is appreciated._

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48 hours, 2 days. Alicia's back at work although she wishes she was anywhere but, in the ED, right now. Duffy's spent most of the shift watching Alicia closely. She looks pale and tired, probably hasn't slept well, if at all, the last couple of nights. Duffy's barely slept either, still worrying, still wondering if there's something she can do to help.

Alicia faints that day in Resus although she claims she's fine, she just forgot to have breakfast. Duffy doesn't believe her, more like she's skipped the last couple of meals judging by the look of things. Alicia's sat on the edge of the bed, just wanting to have the all clear so she can go back to work. Work means distraction. Distraction means she doesn't have to think about what happened that night in her bed. Duffy smiles slightly as she approaches her.

"Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell us- tell me?"

Alicia shakes her head. Talking means allowing someone else in on the secret. Talking means acknowledging it out loud. Talking makes it real. She begins to fiddle. A nervous habit to fiddle with the thread of things although Duffy hasn't noticed she does it until now.

"I know something happened to you Alicia. I don't know what, but I know something did. Whatever happened. It wasn't your fault."

Alicia surprisingly doesn't protest Duffy's spoken words and instead harshly and quickly wipes away the tear down her cheek, hoping Duffy hadn't noticed. (She had but she simply chose not to comment)

"Can I tell you something?"

She isn't sure if what she's going to say is going to help Alicia or make matters worse, but she goes ahead anyway. With a deep breath she begins;

"A long time ago, something happened to me. I tried to help someone and they… they raped me. It took me four years to even begin to acknowledge what happened to me, but I've spent my life regretting the time I pretended I was ok when I wasn't. Whatever happened to you, it's not your fault ok but you have to acknowledge it. If you don't, it'll only destroy you more."

There's a silence. Duffy hopes her own situation can at least help Alicia, no matter how small. Alicia begins to sob. Again, like she did in the bathroom forty-eight hours ago, only much harder. Duffy steps towards her, offering her a hug to which at first Alicia hesitates to accept before she accepts. She begins to cry into her shoulder.

"I…." she can't say it. She can't say she was raped.

Duffy holds her tightly, in silence. Nothing needs to be addressed right now, not until Alicia was ready too. She just continues to sob into her shoulder. Every emotion she's felt the last forty-eight hours spilling to the surface. The shame, the hurt, the desperation of wanting to tell someone but being unable too. It all spills out into harsh sobs that shake her entire body.

Eventually Alicia stops and pulls back, apologising for leaving the damp spot on Duffy's shoulder. She shakes her head and says it's fine whilst handing her a tissue. Alicia's body's still shaking slightly from the sobs and she crosses her legs in the middle of the bed. Another silence descends over them as Duffy sits on the edge of the bed facing her.

"You don't have to talk about anything, but I think you should."

Alicia closes her eyes tightly, "I was in the pub. I'd had another argument with Ethan, I needed to just forget about everything. I," She stopped and sighed, "There was a guy and well…"

She trailed off leaving Duffy to fill in the gaps. A one-night stand? Duffy's not here to judge, what people did outside of work was their own business. Alicia fiddles with her hands as she considered talking again.

"I wanted to have sex with him," she mumbles, embarrassed to be having the following conversation with Duffy. She wouldn't call them friends, just work colleagues, associates that kind of thing. She didn't really want to be discussing the following with her. Almost as if Duffy could read her mind, read her thoughts, she says gently in reassurance.

"I'm not here to judge you Alicia."

Alicia swallows hard. "When I got home the atmosphere changed. I just, I didn't want too."

"Did you tell him, you didn't want too?"

She catches Duffy's eye and nods, "I told him I was uncomfortable with the idea. He told me to relax, it'll be okay." She closes her eyes and exhales heavily, "but I didn't specifically say no so it's not rape."

Gently Duffy touches her arm. "You told him you were uncomfortable. That should've been enough for him to stop." She leaves her hand on her arm.

"He was hard— "

"You don't have to tell me anymore if you don't want too."

Alicia ignores her. She needs to tell someone it's eating her up inside, keeping it quiet. It's destroying her.

"It hurt. So much. The pain. The feeling of being vulnerable. Hating myself for not fighting back. It hurt..." she whispered the last two words and Duffy closed her eyes for a second and swallowed the lump in her throat. The poor girl, she thought as she remained silent allowing Alicia to talk at her own pace. Once again there's a comfortable silence before David pops his head around the curtain,

"Sorry to interrupt but you're needed in Resus."

Duffy nods and turns her attention back to Alicia, "I'll be back."

Alicia nods and tells her to go. As she watches Duffy leave the cubicle, she's relieved to be given the all clear herself to go back to work. She needed her distraction more than ever now she'd began to open up. She needed to be reminded that she was still her, still Alicia the great doctor, the one who was always so happy! Not a rape victim.

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 **a/n** : if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	4. chapter four

_Keep yourself safe, could be potentially triggering._

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Alicia's relieved that her and Duffy are so busy that their paths don't cross in anything other than a work-related vicinity. It meant she didn't have to talk. Instead she could just keep pretending she was okay. (Which she was. She's fine!) Catching a fifteen-minute break when the rush dies, Alicia headed outside to sit on the floor, to the left of the department entrance. In her lap is a packet of menthol cigarettes and she's staring at the packet, a pink luminous lighter in her hand. God, she hadn't smoked since med school when she set fire to the house she was renting after falling asleep after one too many. She opened the packet and took out a cigarette.

"I didn't know you smoked?"

She looked up at the voice and smiled slightly. Duffy handed her a cup of coffee from the coffee cart, a large one and then proceeded to sit down beside her. "We never did finish our talk, did we?"

Alicia allowed her shoulders to fall back in a small shrug as she placed the cigarette back in the packet.

"Don't mind me, smoke if you want too." Duffy said quietly as she sipped the coffee. She watched the hustle and bustle of outside before she glanced at Alicia. Once again Alicia shrugged, she wasn't sure she wanted to smoke right now. It had been something she'd been using to cope with all this though. Sitting in the back garden at all hours, chain smoking. It took her back to her student days, the tacky roll ups and cheap wine.

"Did you go to the police?"

"No."

"Did you go somewhere to be examined?" Alicia didn't answer the question and Duffy already knew the answer. She sighed sadly as she glanced back at Alicia.

"You should be examined. Just to make sure you're okay. Physically. Blood tests to make sure you've not caught—-"

"I know the routine." She stated firmly and once again Duffy sighed. Alicia sighed herself and then whispered; "sorry. I know you're only trying to help."

Duffy smiled sadly and nodded. That was true. All she wanted to do was help. To see if there was anything, no matter how small, she could do to help Alicia feel a little less alone in all of this.

Alicia glanced towards Duffy for a minute before asking; "what did you do?"

"I pretended nothing happened."

She nodded, "and did it work?"

Duffy shook her head and sipped her coffee, "no because deep down, I knew it had but I couldn't tell someone. So, I pretended I was okay when I wasn't."

Alicia was silent for a minute before she stood up, "can we…. can we talk more after work? At—-at mine?" She asked nervous of Duffy's answer. Duffy nodded with a small smile, "of course we can."

"Thank you."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXX**

Home. It was just a place. A building but a place she should always feel safe. Alicia no longer felt safe in a place she'd called home all these years. It was the place of her nightmares.

She had been unable to sleep in the bed since it happened. Despite burning the sheets one evening, cleaning the room and rearranging the furniture, she still can't face a whole night in there. So instead she'd been sleeping on the sofa, not that its comfortable.

As for sleep, she usually managed to grab an hour or two before the nightmares and flashbacks started again. Alicia was attempting to clean, attempting to make the place appear tidier before Duffy came around. The ring of the doorbell broke through her thoughts and she took one last look around the living room. It'll have to do, she thought to herself as she answered the door.

She opened the door and smiled slightly, "Hi."

Hi." Duffy answered back with a small smile. Alicia's weight loss was slightly more noticeable in her own clothes and Duffy sighed sadly.

"I brought cookies."

Alicia smiled as she stepped aside to allow Duffy into the house. Closing the door, she asked, "Would you like a cup of tea or a coffee? Or something stronger?"

"What's your collection of something stronger?"

Alicia headed into the kitchen and crouched down by the cupboard she kept the alcohol in and began to empty it, placing the bottles on the counter, "Vodka, whiskey, tequila, there's wine in the fridge. Oh, and brandy."

"I'll have a vodka please."

There was a comfortable silence between them in the living room. Duffy didn't want to push Alicia to talk, knowing she would talk when she was ready too. She sipped the glass of vodka before Alicia asked gently,

"How old were you?"

"When I was attacked? Twenty-five."

Alicia nodded and didn't speak for a minute. Instead she poured and necked a shot of tequila, "did you go to the police?"

Duffy shook her head, "no."

"Do you regret not going to the police?"

Duffy swallowed and took a large mouthful of vodka. Talking about her rape experience wasn't easy. She'd barely talked to anyone about it in thirty-one years, she never really told Charlie and he was her husband.

"Truthfully?" There was a silence for a second or so, "some days I regret it, other days I know I made the right choice for me."

"Tell me what happened to you."

Their eyes met from over the table and Duffy swallowed hard. She was heading into dangerous territory. If she opened up, she knew she'd have a nightmare or worse, a flashback. On the other hand, if it could help Alicia no matter how small, she'd do it. She finished her vodka in seconds and poured herself another glass.

"I was working a night shift…"

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 **a/n** : if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	5. chapter five

_flashbacks are taken from episode 11, series 1._

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 _(It was just a complete disaster. She'd woken up late which was never like her, so she could only assume she was shattered still from the previous shift. Then because she'd woken up late, she'd missed the bus and decided to walk. She'd walked to work many times before, she knew the route off by heart. She never thought anything would happen you know? The walk is quiet, almost peaceful. She gets to Easter Steps and that's when she finds him - just sat there. Her intuition to help kicks in and she steps towards him. She calls out to him and goes to check his pulse. As she leans over to check, he grabs her wrist and that's when she knew she was in trouble. Big trouble…)_

"Like I told you, I thought he was hurt and he wasn't."

Alicia glanced at her and rose an eyebrow slightly when Duffy finished her second glass of vodka and took a shot of tequila. She's surprised that Duffy can even do shots. Noticing the look Alicia gave her, she smiled slightly; "I was young once you know."

Alicia nodded but didn't verbally say anything. What was there to say? After what felt like an eternity, Alicia asked gently;

"What happened afterwards?"

She closed her eyes tightly.

 _(She's never wanted to scream or move so much but her body wasn't playing. Was this what they meant when they said your body froze during times of trauma? Her mind was screaming to stop, to move but she still lay there, trying to do anything she could to distract herself. She holds her breath as he moves, and she closes her eyes tightly at the sound of his zipper going up. The footsteps go, and she slowly sits up. She feels sick, sick and achy and just begins to sob.)_

"A couple found me and called an ambulance."

 _(She doesn't want to go to the hospital. She wants to go home. To shower, to scrub her skin until she knows he's gone. She hasn't even looked at herself in the mirror yet, but she can tell she looks a state, she feels it. Home. Her sanctuary, her safe place. She just wanted to be alone.)_

Alicia feels guilty when she sees how much talking about it, effects Duffy.

"You don't have to talk about it, if it's you know…" Alicia said gently but trailed off at the end of the sentence.

Duffy took another tequila shot, knowing she'll regret doing so in the morning. She shrugged slightly.

"It's not something I've ever talked about, not really. Even Charlie doesn't know things."

Alicia nodded. There was another pause between them before she picked up her glass and took a sip,

"What was it like to date again, after what happened?"

Duffy smiled sadly as she remembered her first date with Peter. How nervous she'd been, how she'd gone through every safe position in her head. She was instantly at ease in his presence although it was harder to relax when things became more physical later in their relationship.

"At first it was hard." She admitted, "it took me a while to trust fully, to have a sexual relationship again but I got there. You will too."

"Did any of your boyfriends know?"

"Three did yes. Peter, Andrew and Charlie but nobody else. It wasn't something I ever wanted to share. It happened to me, I didn't allow it to define me."

"What happened to the guy who raped you?"

Duffy took a third shot of tequila before she answered, "he died. Funnily enough, it didn't bother me. I finally felt… free. I wasn't constantly wondering if he knew who I was and come back for more. Would you recognise him again, the person who did this to you?"

A silence descended onto the room before Alicia coughed slightly to clear her throat, "yeah. I think so."

Pouring another shot of tequila, Duffy slid the shot glass to Alicia.

"There's two ways you can deal with this." Duffy said quietly, "you either allow the bastard to ruin your life or you fight back and make yourself twenty times stronger than you were before."

"But how?"

Duffy paused, "By acknowledging what happened to you. You don't have to tell people what happened Alicia, but you must tell yourself. Only then can you move on."

Alicia reached out and took the shot glass, downing the contents in one. As she placed the glass onto the table, she asked.

"Will you help me?"

Duffy met Alicia's eye over the table. She couldn't help but see herself, the younger vulnerable girl that she was back then. She swallowed hard and answered;

"I'll help you as much as I can Alicia, I promise."

 **XXX**

Duffy doesn't remember what time she got home, her thoughts clouded from the amount of tequila and vodka she'd drank. She dropped her keys on the floor as she entered the house. Charlie had stayed awake, waiting for her return. He couldn't settle when she wasn't there. Hearing the keys fall to the floor, he stood in the doorway of the lounge.

"Darling?"

Closing the door behind her, she turned around and stepped towards him.

"Will you do something for me? Just give me a hug." He sighed sadly and held his arms out to her. Stepping into the familiar comfort of her husband, Duffy broke down in sobs, clutching Charlie's top tightly in her hand.

She almost fell asleep standing up. A mixture of exhaustion, the tears, tequila and vodka. He picked her up and carried her upstairs to bed. She usually protested but she didn't have the energy tonight. Lying her down on the bed, he got in beside her and moved closer to her.

Duffy moved to rest her head and palm of her hand on Charlie's chest.

"I lied Charlie." She whispered which caused Charlie to frown. He was still running his fingertips up he arm.

"What did you lie about, sweetheart?"

"I told Alicia what happened to me." She murmured sleepily, her eyes closed. "about being attacked."

"Sssh, it's okay."

"Lied Charlie… for so long." She was tracing patterns over his chest with her finger in her sleepy state, "to myself."

"Sssh," he kissed the top of her head, "go to sleep darling, we'll talk in the morning."

"Hmm…" she fell silent for a couple of minutes, "Charlie?"

"Yes?"

"I love you." She mumbled, and he smiled sadly, looking down at his wife.

"Love you too."

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a/n: if you liked it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review. I appreciate all feedback.


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